“What is he so angry with you for?” “I haven’t the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and tried to kick me.” “And what were you talking about?” “Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, ‘I always kiss my wife three or four times every day.’” “And what did you say?” “I said, ‘I know at least a dozen men who do the same,’ and then he had a fit.” Read more»
“If I should kiss you I suppose you’d go and tell your mother.” “No; my lawyer.” Read more»
M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn’t hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven. The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says “Virgin Mary speaking. “M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn’t.M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. “Virgin Mary speaking,” comes the response. “Is James there yet?” asks M. Again the answer is no. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again. “Hello, Mary speaking !” Read more»
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying. When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on ‘The Ten Commandments.’After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, ‘I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.’ The vicar answered,... Read more»
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.” 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint. 4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it whirl!” 5. You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight. 6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet. 7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 8. Your catch phrase is, “Never again.” 9. You could... Read more»
One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von Meerscheidt for some small lapses. “If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit me to resign,” said the General. “No; you are too young to resign,” said the Kaiser. In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old General talking to some young ladies, and he said: “General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will vanish.” “Excuse me, your Majesty,” replied the General. “It would kill me to have both a young wife and a young Emperor.” Read more»
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: 1. Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.2. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.3. Baptists don’t recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights. Read more»
A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Sarah replied, “They will in a minute” Read more»
FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY—”Wouldn’t you like to be presented to our sovereign?” SECOND E.S.L.—”No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no reason why I should condescend to meet him socially.” Read more»
