If you’re annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.
January 27, 2012
January 27, 2012
Really funny jokes-Best guide in the United States
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”
January 27, 2012
Blonde jokes-Row boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
January 27, 2012
ABSENTMINDEDNESS
The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer’s. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried “Stop thief!” rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.
That same day, he stopped at the repairer’s, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:
“Huh! Had a good day, didn’t you!”
The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:
“Dear me! I’ve gone and forgotten my umbrella.”
The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him inquiringly:
“Um—ah—is Professor Johnson at home?” he asked, naming himself.
“No, sir,” the maid replied, “but he is expected any moment now.”
The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for himself.
The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:
“I beg your pardon, madam.”
Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.
“Get out of the way, you brute!” he said.
The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
January 26, 2012
I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers
Well – at least that’s what ‘The Daily Mash‘ (a satirical online newspaper) is reporting. Their spoof article continues:
MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.Powerful divinity Stewart, whose earthly guises include a semi-likeable middle-aged woman, a grey fox and a fire-breathing lizard with nine heads and 43 tusks, has assured mortals that she will not be made a mockery of as the Great Deadline of January 31 approaches.
Stewart, also known as Brabarine or ‘The Taxacious One’, said: “The hour of self-assessment is nigh.
“But heed my words – a Tesco carrier bag full of crumpled receipts and sweet wrappers does not represent adequate record keeping.
“Nor can you simply make up a number, times it by four and call it your ‘mileage allowance’.
“I have many eyes and many ears. My minions include HMRC inspectors, birds and little insects that land on my shoulder and chirrup of your lies.”
Stewart’s main shrine, The Golden Temple of the HMRC Dawn, has been inundated with offerings from workers anxious to curry favour with the implacable god.
Scaffolder Tom Logan said: “After sending my tax return, I became paranoid that I may have somehow forgotten to include about six months’ worth of cash-in-hand work.
“So I’ve brought this fatted calf and plan to kill it in the reception area, hoping that it will encourage Moira Stewart to be merciful.”
Meanwhile thousands of concerned self-assessment taxpayers are trapped in the Celestial Maze, also known as the HMRC Helpline.
Masseuse Nikki Hollis said: “There are many menus, each one promising to lead you to an advisor.
“But they only lead to further menus, or a recorded message telling you to go to the website. And if you accidentally press ’3′, you die instantly.”
January 26, 2012
Funny jokes-One eyed pirate
A pirate was talking to a “land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “How did you loose your leg?”
The pirate responded, “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, “What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?”
“No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally, the land-lubber asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?”
The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.”
The land-lubber asked: “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”
The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me hook.”
January 26, 2012
January 26, 2012
Suckville
Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit.
January 25, 2012
Really funny jokes-Bowling teams
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they’re going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn’t hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
He says, “What the heck’s goin’ on? We’re down here havin’ a grand old time.”
One of the guys from the second team says, “Yeah, but you guys’ve got a driver.”
January 25, 2012
Good jokes-Lions
Two blokes are drinking in a bar.
One says, ” Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”
“BUGGER !” says his friend. “And I just joined Rotary…..”
