These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
– “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
– “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
– “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
– “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
– “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
– “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
– “I am a rabid typist.”
– “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
– “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
– “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
– “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
– “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
– “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
– “I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
– “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.”
– “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
– “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
