Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom’s Wort – Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo – Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol – When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor – Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics – When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin – Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?”
Buyagra – Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin – Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident – A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin – Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.
Ragamet – When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay – A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
