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February 5, 2012

Tag: cops

January 13, 2012

CSI: Roadshow. by Jack Kelly

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“What you have here is a pillowcase with a large reddish-black discoloration in the center.”

“I bought it at a yard sale. I fell in love with the lacy border.”

“Well, that particular lace is a Cambery design, made in a French city near Lyon, and this is really quite a find. The laundry mark you see here is from the Wu Chee Hand Laundry on Chicago’s West Side. Wu Chee was operated, oddly enough, by a German, Hans Splichter, who immigrated from the Bavarian town of Andechs where monks have been brewing beer for more than a thousand years.”

“I never would have guessed.”

“Chinese laundries were all the rage in Chicago around 1922, so Splichter gave his business a Chinese name. He operated only until the stock market crash, which dates your piece to the middle or late 1920s, a violent period in the Windy City, as you can imagine.”

“Al Capone, right?”

“Precisely, so it’s likely that your pillowcase could well be evidence in a gangland hit or ‘rubout’ as it’s called.”

“Oh, my.”

“The splatter pattern is consistent with a sharp blow to the head of the victim. When I examined it under an electron microscope, I determined that the murder weapon was almost definitely a mattock.”

“I think I’ve heard of that.”

“It’s a bit like a hoe, used to break up soil or clear roots. Put in a nice vegetable garden.”

“I grow tomatoes, but I never have any luck. Some kind of wilt.”

“That might be fusarium, a kind of fungus that affects olanaceous crop plants. Awful stuff. Could I ask what you paid for this item?”

“Ten cents.”

“I think if properly cleaned and if you had that tiny tear in the corner repaired it would easily fetch, oh, a dollar or even two at your own yard sale. On eBay, perhaps more.”

“Really? I declare!”

Blood-stained pillowcase: $1.00 – 2.00

- – -

“Now, you say you do have the original container, that’s important. The fact that the envelope is addressed to you establishes clear provenance.”

“I was very careful to save it.”

“Excellent. What you have here is a classic ransom note. You can see that each letter has been clipped from a magazine—Playboy, the typeface suggests—and pasted onto this sheet of rather ordinary notepaper. Taken together, they form a message. Would you care to read it for us?”

“WE HAVE DOUG. PREPARE $1 MILLION.” That’s crossed out and it’s got, “$5,000. SMALL BILLS. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS”. Then at the bottom, “NO COPS”.

“Intriguing. Do you know someone named Doug?”

“My son. Forty-two, he’s never held a steady job. His excuse, he’s writing his dissertation. I tell him, a PhD in early English literature and a nickel will get you a ride on the subway. Though I guess it’s more now.”

“$2.25, actually. But what you say is fascinating because I’ve subjected this note to ultraviolet ion-decay scanning and I’ve detected an outline of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight impressed into the paper.”

“When Doug started talking about the medieval symbolism of Arthurian romances at Thanksgiving, Uncle Morton went into his Robert Goulet imitation just to shut him up. You know, ‘If ever I would leave you . . .’”

“‘Oh no! Not in springtime, summer, winter or fall!’ Well, you know what? That outline increases the note’s evidentiary value significantly. Combined with the fingerprints we were able to lift and the original container, this is a very valuable item. It could be used to trace the kidnapper.”

“Trace? I know Doug sent it himself. They teach a lot of things in the big universities, but common sense is not one of ‘em. Is it worth big bucks?”

“I’m very glad to say that the market for fake ransom notes is just booming at the moment. I could easily see it going for as much as $900 at auction, perhaps more.”

“No! I can’t believe it.”

“Of course, I’m sure the sentimental value is much higher, a reminder of your son’s formative years.”

“Yeah, right.”

Fake ransom note: $900

- – -

“This is an excellent specimen of a human corpse.”

“A corpse? You’ve gotta be kidding.”

“No, it appears to be male, about forty-five years of age, in good shape, perhaps a few pounds on the heavy side—notice the ‘love handles’ as we call them—remarkably fresh. Could I ask where you got it?”

“I found it in my living room. I was vacuuming—I bought one of those expensive models that the man said traps mold spores-–and there on the carpet is this object.”

“No idea how it got there?”

“I think I should talk to my attorney before I say for sure.”

“Naturally. Well, it was a very lucky find indeed. A very interesting ‘case,’ as we call it. The cause of death here is not readily apparent. By the look of him, he should be walking around whistling ‘O Mio Babbino Caro.’”

“Or maybe belittling somebody for the thousandth time because they made a simple arithmetic mistake in their checkbook.”

“Yes, whatever. But if you’ll look closely here, by the corner of the mouth, you’ll see a residue of white powder. Spectrographic analysis has determined it to be deadly poison.”

“Which means what?”

“This person has been murdered, there’s no doubt about it.”

“Murdered? Goodness gracious. How much could one get for that?”

“Ah, there’s the question. What do you think?”

“I really have no idea.”

“My best estimate, if the perpetrator were unable to strike a deal with prosecutors, is that this crime could bring as much as twenty to life.”

“Incredible. That much?”

“Absolutely. So you had better handle this very, very carefully. Cold storage would be the way to go.”

“Yes, I’ll see to it that it’s properly stowed away. I’m just amazed. Thank you.”

“Thanks for bringing it to CSI: Roadshow.”

Human corpse: 20 years to life

December 19, 2011

Its All Greek to Me: A Column on Sororities in the South : Formalities by M.M. Locker

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Less than 24 hours after the first celebration of sisterhood, we are informed of our first swap and first formal. It is exciting, but it really doesn’t go over very well. Within two weeks, we’re supposed to find and ask a date to our sorority Fall Formal, and within the next twelve hours we’re supposed to devise clever costumes for a swap.

Swaps are named not for the swapping of oral bacteria that often occurs on the dance floor, but for the social swapping of one sorority and one fraternity on campus. These parties are weekly, sometimes bimonthly, always on school nights, and hosted at bars that, on regular nights, freshmen are barely even allowed to approach. So it makes for an out of the ordinary and fun night already, even before the incorporation of a dress-up theme.

Sitting in the kitchen of my new sorority home, our pledge trainers try to explain the concept of our first swap, to be held tonight. Its theme is a wedding. Since most of us are majoring in hospitality management, this is a very good theme. Guys aren’t considered dates by Ole Miss girls, they are considered Potential Husbands. Our pledge class has many golden girls, but one who is particularly golden is designated the bride, a few others her bridesmaids, another her mother, and the rest of us are stuck in the broad category of GUESTS.

I’m okay with that. After a quick trip to the Goodwill (packed with Greeks each outdoing the others’ costumes) and then to the Salvation Army after Goodwill is entirely picked over, I find a costume, a clever-but-not-too-clever-don’t-worry-someone-else-will-be-dressed-the-same costume. I’m going to be a wedding crasher! Hah! Wow, originality, oh yeah, let me throw on boxers and a button-up and a tie and a garter, why not.

The swap is our first sorority-sponsored event, and I’m nervous about it. Not only do I need to impress my sisters with my behavior and sense of humor, but the corresponding fraternity as well. Tonight’s is among the best on campus, and its freshmen pledge class contains probably the most attractive boys I know. So my crasher attire will be inviting, right? Subtly, one would hope.

I dress for the swap with Abbey, my best friend from home, also a new member of Sorority H who has suffered all the ups and downs of the semester thus far along with me. We don our wedding guest attire and look… cute? We look stupid, actually, really, really stupid. This leaves us with little confidence to roam the dorm to meet up with more friends. It’s almost 10:00 pm when our group realizes we haven’t left yet, and that the two “pregame” parties have been shut down by cops or lack of alcohol, but we manage to find sober drivers, half gallons of cheap vodka with girly chasers, and our ways to The Levee, Oxford’s most despised bar, the location of the evening’s ceremony.

Still sticking together, as freshmen should on the bar scene, Abbey and I are greeted just beyond the bouncer by a junior boy, also from our hometown. He’s having a grand old time, congratulates us on our bids, poses for a quick “reppin’ the hometown” picture, and proceeds to the bar to buy us shots.

They are, appropriately, called Alabama Slammers, and they are really, really good. The next thing I know, Abbey is gone and I am kissing the cheek of a boy in tortoiseshell glasses, apparently only for the reason that I love his tortoiseshell glasses. Something is off. I have had minimal amounts to drink, but something feels really off, I’m alone and not bothered by it, the crowded bar feels like my friend, I’m making it, this is okay—and then I see freshman bachelor #1, a fellow counselor at the summer camp of my past. He is someone I barely know, but with whom I share common interests and even a random night out of our right minds on a lakefront. He’s dancing.

It’s not clear how, but I make my way to him and suddenly he isn’t dancing, he’s listening and then shushing me as I profess to him my undying love. I think this lasts more than ten minutes. No one but him notices, but I slip in the soiled muck on the bar floor known as “Levee juice” and he has to lift me to my feet. He is generous with the whole scenario, owing me nothing, but taking care to be sweet with all he says, keeping our conversation low-key.

Potential husband? Great job, Mary.

The next morning, I want to kick myself. I wake up to a text from him, yes, him, summer camp frat star, which says: I love you girl. Glad we had that little chat. I want to die. I apologize in a not-too-eager text, because good God, I don’t actually have real feelings for him. To explain the night, I decide my single shot must have been Xanaxed or something. Maybe it was, probably it wasn’t. Either way, he never replies.

Swaps are apparently not my forte. Over the course of the day, I gather firsthand accounts of minimally ridiculous things I did at the bar. My pledge trainer walked up to me in the bathroom, excited to see me and even more excited that she remembered my name.

“Oh my gosh, hey, I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “Where do I know you from? You look so familiar.”

Apparently she found this funny, but if I could I’d be kicking myself even harder.

Then, in doing my best to get over my completely inaccurate, yet somehow still inadequate, profession of love on the dance floor, I revisit other text messages I sent last night. One, to a girl in my pledge class who I’d secretly like to be best friends with, who I met for the first time last night, reads: riding on the bus for your birthday! you go girl. At lunch she tells me it wasn’t her birthday, and that she doesn’t know why I would send that. Solid. Awesome. Go Rebs.

But in the grand scheme of things, this was a tame first swap. Our golden girl bride got her very first kiss (from the handsome frat boy groom, of course), and that is the most interesting piece of news. It’s cute, not in any way embarrassing like my outburst could have been. I promise myself—because no one else noticed—that I will take it easier next time.

But then, you know, it’s almost formal and I barely know a masculine soul besides friends of Abbey’s boyfriend, all sophomore fratdaddies. I’m working up the nerve to ask a certain one to go with me, one I find very attractive but do not know well; but then I convince myself to ask one who is just a friend, somebody I’ve kissed once or twice or a few times for no apparent reason. So I’m excited. I’m making plans. Then my very own roommate, now a sister, decides she will ask my crush instead. She asks my permission after it is done. Drama drama drama. I’m mad for maybe eleven hours, then it doesn’t matter, what’s done is done is done. He’s not as cute as I think he is.

So formal night arrives, and I look pretty, I mean wow, seriously? Like, I look good. My roommate and I—all potential rifts appropriately mended—decide to make ourselves a quick few drinks while we put on makeup. Next thing I know, the lights are out save our hipster-moody dorm Christmas lights, and we are blaring “The Only One” by The Black Keys on repeat. This. Is. So. COLLEGE!!! Maturity! Adulthood! Drinking (pretty much) in solitude! Cool!

Call me Queen of the Lightweights, but when our dates arrive (together, almost awkwardly), I’m already bested. My date looks great, but no, I’m not sweet to him, I’m a belligerent tease.

So:

Formal happens—one minute I’m laughing with my date

—the next I see summer camp boy on the dance floor and nearly repeat my wedding swap antics

—the next I’m arm-in-arm with upperclassmen friends, who are casting me glances, sideways and concerned

—the next I’m alone in the chilly night weather, a cute boy smoking telling me he can’t find his date either

—the next I’m back on the bus, opening and reopening my purse, making sure I haven’t lost anything, smiling, feeling faint, not showing it, I hope, braided bun falling, falling, and then falling fast asleep.

- – -

I can’t forgive myself in the morning. Not only do I feel like a victim of a cruel, continuous beating, I’m humiliated. People have called and texted me to make sure I’m all right, which, really, says it all. I skip the Grove and the football game (as if we had a chance of winning anyway). I head to Wal-Mart instead and buy two small cakes and frosting, which I use to spell SORRY on each of them. I leave one at the sorority house, addressed to a friend who looked out for me, and have Abbey and her boyfriend take one to my date at his fraternity house.

I’m unhappy.

Not just that, I’m irresponsible, incapable of holding my own. This is me: a newly pledged member of a sorority I’d like to call home. I thought it was home already? But apparently it isn’t. I haven’t earned that yet. I’m not belligerent, I’m not “that girl,” but last night I well may have been. College! Maturity! Yeah, right, okay.

I’m a nice girl. I buy cakes and decorate them.

Part of me thinks I should be unconcerned. Mary Marge, you know, that girl who doesn’t care about conforming or belonging, that girl entirely her own. Who cares if I was nuts last night?! It affects no one’s life but mine.

Well, the rest of me realizes that this isn’t true. Stupid or overrated as it may sound, I’m part of something now, something I have no business representing poorly. Have I been brainwashed? Nah, I’ve just been kicked in the shins with a reality check. No matter how dumb the recruitment process, it landed me here, among people I like and respect for the most part. I can’t like and respect the whole of my sorority unless I can totally like and respect myself. Clarity understanding purpose motivation.

So without becoming someone new, here’s to becoming a better, milder-mannered me. I’ll drink—well, a little—to that.

December 15, 2011

Kevin Dolgin Tells You About Places You Should Go In Europe: First Circuses, Now Bread by Kevin Dolgin

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Rome was the center of a vast empire, stretching to the limits of the known world. Its communications with much of that empire were by sea, but Rome is not on the sea, it’s on an itty-bitty river that isn’t appropriate for seagoing vessels. Thankfully for the Romans, it’s not far from the sea, and if you follow that itty-bitty river just a few miles then you hit the blue waters of the Mediterranean. The place where the Tiber meets the sea was therefore quickly recognized as a crucially important spot and early in the history of the Republic, a port was built there, named Ostia.

As Rome grew in importance, so did its port. Vast quantities of goods flowed through Ostia, brought by seafaring vessels that unloaded them onto smaller boats for the trip up-river to the world’s most stupendous city. In fact, the great majority of Rome’s provisions came through Ostia, which became a bustling center of commerce, housing people from all over the empire in a great mix of cultures, religions and businesses.

Shortly after the fall of the Western empire, Ostia fell into disuse as Rome itself declined in importance. The sea gradually retreated a few miles thanks to the river’s deposits, leaving the former port a port no more. Even the Tiber abandoned the city when one night in 1557 it decided to change its course after a flood. By then, though, no one was there to lament its departure, the ancient city having largely disappeared under dirt and silt and centuries of neglect.

During the last hundred years or so, the city of Ostia has been discovered and uncovered, its streets and houses and temples and meeting places exposed for all to see. This is a very, very good thing for those of us who love old ruins, because now there is an entire city to explore, in much the same state as it was left at the empire’s demise—minus its top floors and its roofs. You see, major Roman centers like Marseille, Ravenna, or Rome itself are still cities, they have always been cities, so whatever was there ended up underneath something else. Ostia, though, lost any semblance of importance at about the same time it was abandoned, so except for a very nice castle built a bit down the road, it was just left there, under the dirt.

I had never been to Ostia. With a free day in Rome, I had thought about taking the fast train down to Naples and then visiting Pompeii, but it’s a hike all the same, and one foreshortened day doesn’t do justice to Pompeii. It was then that I heard that the legendary port was just as good and is only a short subway ride away from the center of Rome, so I hopped on the metropolitana and walked off thirty minutes later into the second century.

There are so many things to see in Ostia, but like all truly interesting cities—modern or ancient—the one most important thing to do is just to walk around aimlessly. This is perhaps why I have no patience for tour groups; they’re always going from thing to thing, when sometimes it’s the in-between that just gets you. You need to stroll, you need to peek, you need to discover, and Ostia is a place to discover Roman life as it was. There are myriads of houses, for instance, and apartment buildings, most of which you can enter as you like. You can check out their rooms, their kitchens, their toilets. Many have mosaics still on the ground. In fact, you find yourself walking on a lot of mosaics, or even more surprising, walking on some dirt when you come upon a patch of mosaic and realize that underneath the rest of the dirt there are probably more mosaics, it’s just that no one’s got around to uncovering it all.

And what mosaics! The most famous include the floors of the baths of Neptune, which you can’t walk around on (thankfully) but which you can appreciate from the second floor of the baths. Neptune rides a chariot pulled by big seahorses (as was his habit). In the adjoining room, his wife rides a seahorse in naked and sensuous anticipation of their meeting. The Romans loved their baths, and they loved their sex, and often the designs on baths are a bit suggestive.

Behind the baths of Neptune is the barracks of the vigils. Vigils were kind of a combination of firemen and cops, and Ostia had about XXX of them. The barracks are quite different from the houses in Ostia; for one thing, there’s only one entrance, small windows, communal latrines (one of which has a small altar to Fortuna, the goddess of luck… I suppose that was for the constipated vigils). If you close your eyes you can almost hear the snores of hundreds of men.

My very favorite part of Ostia is the forum of the guilds. There were a couple of forums (fora, actually) in Ostia, which is not surprising. Remember that a forum was essentially a marketplace as well as a social gathering spot, and Ostia was all about commerce. The forum of the guilds, though, was something else… it was a place to make deals. Around the forum (which is behind the very impressive theater) are small stalls, each of which has a beautiful mosaic in front of it demonstrating who, exactly, used the stall: ship-owners from various cities around the Mediterranean; ivory traders (indicated by an elephant); rope-makers; grain merchants… all of the important types of merchants and businessman that came to set up a headquarters in Ostia.

I’m a businessman, and an entrepreneur. I can easily imagine having a stall here, which in the ancient world was probably like having a headquarters building on 5th avenue—you hade made it. If you owned a line of ships, having representation at the forum of the guilds in Ostia was the Nec Plus Ultra and as I walked along, I imagined the fevered discussions, the negotiations: “you can’t be serious, I’d never pay that much to move five tons of chick peas”. You can visualize the businessmen themselves, in their expensive clothes and their varied complexions: Romans, Africans, Egyptians, Greeks… all of them, or at least the richest of the merchants, came to Ostia.

They also all brought their religions. Ostia has a number of temples dedicated to Eastern gods, notably Cybele and Mithra. The Romans were extremely tolerant of other religions. They didn’t see their pantheon as exclusive and didn’t really give a hoot about who you worshipped, as long as you didn’t cause civil trouble. A couple of emperors even dabbled in other religions. It’s true that one, Elagabalus, went too far, but he wasn’t deposed because he worshipped a Syrian sun-god, he was deposed because he came to believe that he was a Syrian sun-god.

Which comes to a fascinating fact about Ostia… there is a synagogue. One of the oldest in the world, in fact, dating to the mid first-century. It may have been built just after the destruction of the second temple and would therefore represent perhaps the oldest synagogue of the diaspora.

Of course, Jews had long been present throughout the empire and of course there must have been a Jewish community in Ostia, just as there was a community from most major people with a shoreline. The Romans had no more issues with the Jewish religion than they had with worshippers of XXX, although the Jews did piss them off to a degree—not because they had different beliefs, but because they steadfastly refused to incorporate Roman beliefs as well. Most polytheist societies didn’t really have much of an issue adding a god or two to their system of deities, particularly since they figured the Roman gods must have a kick-ass thing going for them, since they had conquered the world. The Jews, though, thought there was only one god, at least for them, and he got angry as hell if you even drew pictures of any other gods, let alone worshipped them. Now, the Romans didn’t give a damn if you rejected Apollo, Jupiter, Juno and the lot, but as of Augustus, they began to consider former emperors as somewhat divine, albeit on a lesser and rather complicated level. You could talk trash about Poseidon, but it was a very bad idea to badmouth emperors, alive or dead. The refusal of the Jews to honor deified emperors in Jerusalem eventually gave rise to the Maccabean revolt, and the destruction of the temple, after which the Jews were less of an issue: they continued to worship their strangely unique god but they no longer had a city in which they could refuse to put up statues. It was only once a bizarre quasi-Jewish cult sprang up that not only badmouthed emperors but tried to get everyone else to do the same that religious persecution arose in the empire.

Anyway, I digress. The synagogue in Ostia is way, way out on the edge of the excavations. It is reached by following a seldom-travelled path overgrown with grass and small purple flowers. It is peaceful, it is remarkable. There is a continuity here, there is a real link between past and present.

Who worshipped here? Who worshipped in the other temples, for that matter? Walk through these streets, ask yourself who walked in them, what deals were made? There is a very well-preserved tavern: the bar still stands, a small courtyard with pretty mosaics once held tables where patrons discussed… what? The athletes depicted on the mosaics? The latest shipment of figs from North Africa? Probably. Maybe. But whatever they discussed, they discussed it there, right where you’re standing.

Ah, this is why I love to travel and to see where history was made, because in some obscure sense, by so doing, we become part of it.

November 17, 2011

Fading the Vig: A Gamblers Guide to Life: $5 Chess Game, Best-of-Three, Zuccotti Park by David Hill

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It’s six in the morning in Zucotti Park. Quiet hours started at eleven, but that isn’t stopping the kid behind me from singing and playing Bob Dylan’s greatest hits on his guitar. I politely tolerate it until he starts to play “Rainy Day Women.” That cinches it.

“Knock it off, it’s quiet hours.”

I point to the sign nearby that lays out the self-mandated rules about music. He scowls at me as he puts his guitar back in its case.

I’m usually more patient than this. Maybe I’m feeling punchy because in two hours the police are supposed to show up and arrest all of us. More likely it has to do with the fact that I’m down two pawns going in to the endgame.

“Sorry, man, but this is a money game,” is all the apology I can muster. I have to focus.

It looks bad now, but you should have seen me earlier. I got here around three, right after the rainstorm quit, after getting several emails and text messages that the cops were planning to storm the park at seven. I packed my bag with extra clothes and some comic books, wrote the National Lawyer’s Guild phone number on my arm, kissed my wife on the forehead and told her I was going to go get arrested at the park. She mumbled something like “good luck” and rolled back over to sleep.

When I arrived at the park people were trying to settle in and get some rest. It had been a rough night of rain that likely kept a lot of people who were planning to help occupy the park away. There were only a couple hundred people here, drying off, straightening up, and winding down.

I walked over to the chess table. Bystanders held their cell phones over the table to offer the players some light. I watched a game between an Eastern European student with a backpack and a young Middle Eastern man in a baseball cap. One glance at their position told me these guys were patzers. I asked them how much they were playing for.

“We aren’t gambling.”

No shit. I asked who has next; the onlookers all shook their heads. I sat down and played the Middle Eastern kid and end up holding the table for the next couple of hours. I’m no chess master. My last rated game had me around 1450. But tonight I was king of the park. It isn’t saying much. This is no Washington Square Park. The players in Zuccotti Park are an embarrassment to the lumpenproletariat park-dwellers of New York City. Then James showed up.

James was a young Puerto Rican guy from the Bronx. He worked for the MTA, a member of TWU Local 100. He had on a 59fifty Yankees cap, a grey hoodie and a backpack. He was polite and pleasant. Like me he had a wife and baby at home. He kept texting his wife to let her know he was still okay and not in jail. He told me he was “a little rusty.” I beat him pretty easily in our first game. I even let him take back a few moves. I felt like a goddamn grandmaster. Then he brought me back down to earth with one question.

“You want to play for money?”

- – -

“So you’re a hustler?”

We’re sitting around a poker table at the old Play Station, the last of the great underground New York City cardrooms. On this night it was busier than normal. We were in the corner playing $10-20 and everyone was quizzing Poe about chess.

“No I ain’t no motherfuckin’ hustler!”

Poe was a fixture in illegal New York casinos for as long as I had been hanging out in them. He made an impression. He was always the loudest in any room. He wore bright-colored suits and ascots. He told tall tales about his sexual exploits. He had been an extra in several movies and even had small parts in a few like the Michael Mann film Ali. Tonight, however, all we want to talk to him about is chess. In addition to poker, Poe was also a skilled chess player and a frequent player in Washington Square Park.

“I think it’s a shame that everyone calls you guys hustlers,” I say. “It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to real hustlers.”

“What do you mean, real hustlers,” the guy on my left pipes up.

“I mean these guys just play for money. They’re just gambling. It isn’t like it’s a secret that they are good. A hustler hides his skill. He makes you feel confident that you can beat him. He preys on your greed by pretending to be a mark. These guys set up their boards and basically dare you to play them. Seems fair to me.”

“I’ll tell you how they’re hustlers,” Josh says.

Josh is one of my best and oldest friends. He and I grew up together in Arkansas. We went to college together in Texas. Then we moved to New York together after graduation, he for grad school, and me for a job. I lived in what was basically his closet at Columbia, where he was studying for a PhD in physics.

My mother taught me the rules to chess, but Josh taught me how to play. Sitting in a pizza parlor one summer afternoon in high school he showed me about backwards pawns, knight forks, bishop skewers, and open files. He gave me a chess set and a dozen back issues of Chess Life magazine. A few days later I left town to work construction jobs on the road with my dad. That summer I lived cooped up in a dingy Motel 6 with my dad, eating baloney every night and playing through the games in the magazines. My dad would shake his head in disbelief. “How do you play chess against yourself? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Josh also taught me to play poker. In fact he was the one who first introduced me to get me into this club. And on this night he unfortunately was sitting to my right, which meant he was winning most of my money. He took a break from raking pots to tell us his story.

“I’ve won exactly three games against the hustlers in Washington Square. The first time I won the guy told me that I owed him $3. I told him he owed me $3 and he said I misunderstood, that it was $3 to play, not a $3 bet. I argued and he pointed at the NO GAMBLING sign. I paid him and left.

“The next time I won I made sure to ask before the game started if we were betting or if I was paying him to play. He assured me we were betting. Then as soon as I had a winning position he called ‘touch move’ on me. I said I thought we had been playing ‘clock move.’ He said nope, ‘touch move.’ I just resigned.

“The last time I won I asked before the game if we were gambling and if we were playing clock move. Once we had the rules straightened out we played a five-minute game and I won. I asked him for the money and he told me, ‘Get the fuck outta here.’ I said, ‘But you lost! If I lost I’d have paid you!’ He stood up and held the rook over his head like he was going to hit me with it. He said ‘I’m not gonna tell you twice’ and he didn’t have to.”

Everyone was laughing at Josh’s misfortune, but at the same time felt sympathy for him.

“That sucks, man. But that’s not hustling,” I say.

“Yeah, it’s straight-up cheating,” says the guy on my left. “That’s bullshit. Why does anyone ever play those guys?

“I know this much,” the guy says after some thought, “if it was me he’d have had to hit me with that rook. I wouldn’t have left without my money.”

“You wouldn’t do shit” says Poe, visibly angry. “That man was probably homeless. Look at you! You rich! You want $3 from a motherfuckin’ homeless man? That’s sorry.”

“It’s the principle of it…” the knucklehead on my left begins. Poe cuts him off.

“Principle? Don’t nobody give a goddamn about no principle! There’s games and then there’s life. They ain’t the same thing.”

Poe picks up a red $5 chip from the stack of hundreds he has in front of him.

“We here playin’ for all this money, but that $3 meant a lot to that man. You say he’s hustlin’. He just tryin’ to eat.”

He flings the $5 chip at Josh’s stack of chips.

“There you go. There’s your money. Keep the change.”

“No thanks, Poe.” Josh slowly pushes the chip back across the felt. “It’s cool. You’re right.”

The dealer starts whipping the cards around for the next hand. We played on in uncomfortable silence.

- – -

Despite my hustle alert level being on high, I still agreed to play James for five dollars. I wasn’t in any mood to quit playing, especially if quitting meant I had to join the debate that was going on near the chess table between some “end the fed” guys and a couple of central-casting Bard students over whether or not Obama was to blame for the economic crisis.

The game was uneventful except that neither of us was in the mood to let the other one take moves back anymore. We stayed friendly and jocular over the board, but on the board it was all business. I opened with the Queen’s Gambit, he declined. “A little rusty” my ass. We played a fairly even game and ended in a draw. He seemed disappointed. One of the Bard students asked if we were done and if he could get next.

“We are playing best-of-three.” James looked at me and winked.

Now my hustle alert level was at severe. I figure James just got me for ten dollars. I briefly contemplated just paying him the money right then and there, I was so sure I didn’t stand a chance. We set the pieces up and played on. The Bard student returned to help his comrades win their political debate against the Ron Paul guys.

There are all kinds of seemingly divergent viewpoints here in Zuccotti Park waiting to be arrested. There are libertarians and there are socialists; there are 9-11 “truther” idiots and there are World Trade Center first responders; there are Democrats and there are Republicans; there are anarchists who hate the state and there are public sector unionists who work for it.

Then there’s me and James. Maybe I’m still in a bad mood from the Bob Dylan thing but even though I’m pretty sure he’s trying to hustle me, James is probably the only guy I like in my general vicinity right now. It doesn’t matter. It isn’t like in a couple of hours when the cops come through here they’re going to ask us who we voted for before they arrest us. We’re all getting locked up. Together.

Incredibly we managed to split the first two games. If James was a hustler then he’s got some serious salt in his game because he needed to run the table to make ten dollars. At this point we’re down to a single five-dollar game, a game I intend to win—not because I want James’s five bucks, but because I want to prove to myself that I was right not to surrender back when I felt like paying James off. I want to know that I was right to give myself a chance to win rather than take losing as a foregone conclusion. But the current position doesn’t look good for me. I’m ahead in material, but all of my pieces are committed to defending my king. I’m in zugzwang.

Zugzwang is a term used in chess to refer to a position where every move you have is a bad one. Once you’re in zugzwang, things like having more pieces than your opponent doesn’t matter anymore. If you can’t use them to attack you may as well not have them at all. Often players who find themselves in zugzwang simply resign.

A growing number of people in America know what it feels like to be in zugzwang. For some of them their whole life has been one long zugzwang, they can’t remember ever having any good options. Without catching a lucky break, a lifetime of hard work for most people results in just that—a lifetime of hard work. For others they maybe once thought they had it all—a good job with a pension, a nice house with a payment they could afford, set for life. Then in an instant it all disappeared. House is underwater, ARM is popping on the loan, pension fund bought a bunch of mortgage-backed securities. All that’s left is utter, hopeless zugzwang.

Sadly this, if nothing else, is what unites us. This dreadful unease. This feeling that every option we have is a bad one. And this resentment we feel from being told that it has to be this way, that there are no other options, because these are the rules of the game. But like Poe said, “there’s games and then there’s life. They ain’t the same thing.” It doesn’t have to be this way.

In chess, you don’t have to resign in zugzwang. You can always sacrifice. A sacrifice in chess is when you intentionally give up some material to your opponent. There are two kinds of sacrifices: a straight sacrifice and a sham sacrifice.

A sham sacrifice is basically a kind of hustle. Your opponent gives up material to you, but it’s a trap. If you get greedy and take the piece, you lose. People often make a lot of fuss over games that involve sham sacrifices (like Bobby Fischer’s “Game of the Century”), but there is nothing dramatic about a sham sacrifice. Once you take the bait, all uncertainty about the game disappears.

The other type of sacrifice, a straight sacrifice, is when you accept a disadvantage in order to break the current position. The only way out of zugzwang is to create a new position where you (and your opponent) have a different set of options, even if it means you play from less strength. Strength, after all, is relative to the choices available to you. It is a risk, but when your other option is resignation it hardly seems like one.

A few days ago the philosopher Slavoj Zizek showed up at Zuccotti Park and addressed the protesters. In his thick Slovenian accent he spoke about the grave importance of the protest, beyond just being some vague symbol of populist anger. He said, “I don’t want you to remember these days as ‘oh, we were young and it was beautiful.’ Remember that our basic message is: ‘We are allowed to think about alternatives.’ A taboo is broken, we do not live in the best possible world.” We are allowed, according to Zizek, to not only imagine a better world. We are allowed to expect it, to demand it. Only then would it be possible. Dare to struggle, dare to win.

- – -

I could sacrifice my rook. It wouldn’t be a sham, it wasn’t a trick. It meant I’d be down in material. But if I played well it meant I could probably force a draw. It really all depended on what James would do. I look up at him.

“You want to just call it a draw?”

James looks around. A smile slowly grows across his face. I look around, too, and I’m taken aback. It’s nearly 6:30 and the park is filled with people, maybe five thousand or more. I’ve never seen the park this full before. They are packed in tightly all around us, across the street on the surrounding sidewalks, everywhere you look. I’m shocked that we didn’t notice the park filling up all around us. In the middle of the park a woman is addressing the crowd, reading something off of her phone. Her words reverberate as the crowd repeats after her line-by-line in waves. It’s hard to understand what they are saying, but it soon becomes clear she is announcing that the cops have decided to retreat. The city was backing down from their threat to clear the park. Thousands of people roar with excitement, quiet hours be damned.

I’m not sure why it was so important to keep the park occupied. I just know that when I heard the cops were coming to shut it down, I wasn’t ready for it to end yet. Evidently neither were the rest of these people, here cheering at sunrise like the Yankees just won the pennant. Me and James and the rest of these folks, we couldn’t know for sure, of course, but we figure that this right here is what power feels like. This is what it must feel like to win.

James smiles ear-to-ear. He texts his wife the news. I do the same. He looks up at me, still grinning.

“Still want a draw?”

I look back at the board. I don’t see any better outcome for me. If we play on and James plays perfectly I’ll be lucky to get a draw. The more likely outcome is that I’ll lose. I shrug, then reach over and move the rook, hanging it.

“Your move.”

December 3, 2010

Clean jokes-Grouchy

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When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

January 9, 2010

Really funny jokes-Letter from camp

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Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything.

Love, Jimmie

January 8, 2010

Ultimate jokes-Compilation of Mexican words

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Compilation of Mexican words

‘Heater’ – My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.

‘Juicy’ – Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

‘Sodas’ – My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.

‘Cheese’ – Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

‘Chile ‘ – When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

‘Juarez ‘ – My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!

‘Chicken‘ – My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

‘Harrassment’ – Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

‘Water’ – My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

‘Brief’ - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

‘Mushroom’ – Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

‘Frito’ - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

‘Wafer’ - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn’t wafer me.

‘July’ - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

‘Liver and Cheese’ – Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him ‘orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.’

September 18, 2009

Phone

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A Florida man was busted after stealing $8 worth of flea and tick drops to buy crack. Cops arrested the man and are also on the lookout for Cocker Spaniel drug dealer.

Yesterday, a government watchdog group released a list ranking cellphones in terms of radiation they give off.The phone with the lowest amount of radiation- the Samsung Impression. The phone with the highest amount? The Uranium T-Mobile Sidekick.

Fashion designer Emanuel Ungaro has hired Lindsay Lohan as its artistic adviser. Lohan’s hiring is part of Ungaro’s new plan to reach the elusive “coked-up basket-case” market.

August 28, 2009

VP booked for dirty harrasing former company

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stupid stuff prank harrassmentDr SPS Grewal of Grewal Eye Institute in Sector 9 approached cyber cell of UT police to help track down a person sending him and his employees, including women, vulgar and objectionable SMSes and emails. Registering a case under Section 66A of Information and Technology Act police had immediately begun their chase within a month.

Cops on Thursday finally achieved some success after booking Khushwant Singh of Mohali, a former marketing vice-president of the eye center, for harassment. According to members of the institute, he quitted at the institute after which he began acting funny and doing stupid stuff sending a vulgar SMS to a woman administrative officer and some objectionable emails to Dr. Grewal.

The investigation lead to some shot off emails to other employees to defame Grewal and his women colleagues was also traced to a former woman worker whom happened to join the institute a few days ahead of Singh, but quit along with the accused dirty prankster. The institute initially suspected that it was just the work of a competitor, but to their surprise, it was a shocking prank pulled by their former V-P.

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