A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says…
‘What did you do that for!’
Tag: hilarious jokes
February 4, 2012
February 1, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Low budget film
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they’ve gotten for the cast. “First of all,” he tells him, “We’ve got Gibson in the lead.”
The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?”
“Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he’s a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he’s very up and coming. And besides, we’ve also got Redford.”
“You got Robert Redford?” the director asks.
“No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he’s very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ”we’ve got Streisand and in a singing role.”
“Barbara Streisand?” he asks.
“No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she’s got a great voice. AND we’ve got Goulet.”
“You got Robert Goulet?” the director asks.
“Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”
January 30, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Dog in Movie Theater
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the
movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”
January 24, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Grounds for Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
“What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please. . .” he tried again,”is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me !!”
January 24, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Fail
King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’
January 21, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Roustabout
Two aerialists are up checking their rigging looking down on a roustabout who is setting up the lion tamer’s cage. They are wondering how much brain you need to do that kind of work. So one performer gets a c-wrench and drops it on the worker’s head. He loses half his brain, but keeps on doing the job. So the other aerialist gets a c-wrench and drops it down on the roustabout, until there is only a quarter of his brain left, but he goes on assembling the cage. The first flier drops an iron bar on the poor guy’s head and he only has one brain cell left.
Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes “Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!”
January 20, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Prince Harry
If Prince Harry gets married next month will Chels(y)a be playing Cambridge at family functions?
January 15, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Arm rash
A man goes to a doctor for a rash on his arm. “What do you do for a living?” the doctor asks him.
“I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants,” the guy says.
“Quit doing that and the rash will clear up,” the doctor says.
The guy replies, horrified, “What? And get out of show business?”
January 11, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Queen Elizabeth
A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.
When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, “It wasn’t me was it?”
January 6, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Updates on Facebook
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
“What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me.”
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma’am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked.”
Wife: “So you are on Facebook too?”
Maid: “Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking.”
