A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it was unavoidable—there had been a fight in the kitchen between two lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. “Take it away,” he said wearily, “and bring me the winner.” Read more»
5 Mar
VILLAGE GROCER—”What are you running for, sonny?” BOY—”I’m tryin’ to keep two fellers from fightin’.” VILLAGE GROCER—”Who are the fellows?” BOY—”Bill Perkins and me!”—Puck. Read more»
5 Mar
An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. “Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn’t amount to nuthn’. The fust I knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked him down with a stick o’ wood. One o’ Bill’s friends then... Read more»
5 Mar
“Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black eye?” asked the magistrate. “Sure, your honor, he wasn’t a physical wreck till after he gave me the black eye,” replied the complaining wife.—London Telegraph. Read more»
12 Feb
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A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back. The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her bad. She still refuses and walks back. The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in. Afterwards, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I’ll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!! Read more»
12 Feb
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says, “What’s the story?”He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”She asks, “How often do I have to do that?” Read more»
12 Feb
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There will be no Nativity Scene (Those who don’t know – Its an incident from bible) in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season. This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues…. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. Read more»
12 Feb
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The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb “to have” in the sentence, “I have a gold mine.” Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff. “Conjugate ‘do haff’ in der sentence, ‘I haff a golt mine,” the professor ordered. “I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be.” Read more»
12 Feb
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Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production. “With each cigar, you understand,” the promoter said, “I will give a coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano.” Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: “If I smoked three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a grand piano.” There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but presently he exploded with merriment. “I see the point”... Read more»
12 Feb
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Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book “Fifty Years of Work Without Wages,” tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases. The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he said, “You don’t seem to care for this magnificent scenery?” She took the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: “I enjies it; I don’t jabber.” Read more»