Tag: joke
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the
movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”
Q. “What did Doc Ock drive to the bank?”
A. “An armoured car!”
Q. “What did Doc Ock do at the bank?”
A. “Commit armed robbery!”
Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot.
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”
“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief,“My agent came to my house?”
Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one… but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?
Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”
A pirate was talking to a “land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “How did you loose your leg?”
The pirate responded, “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, “What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?”
“No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally, the land-lubber asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?”
The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.”
The land-lubber asked: “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”
The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me hook.”
