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May 23, 2012

Tag: stupid

January 21, 2012

Its Never Sunny Anywhere

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It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia just began its seventh season on FX.  With any luck, the series will bounce back from a sixth season that, as any objective Phillyphile would agree, was uneven at best.  Last week’s premiere, “Frank’s Pretty Woman,” was certainly a good start, returning “the gang” to the moral muck in which they thrive best (Frank decides to marry his favorite prostitute, the gang decides she needs to be “classed up,” hilarity ensues).
Sunny may well be the most distinctly “American” sitcom on the air at the moment.  That claim will make many bristle, I’m sure, especially those sensitized by post-graduate name-calling to resist any and all such sweeping generalizations about nationhood and identity.   So let me clarify: the series does not (and could not) speak to some impossible unity of “American experience,” whatever that might still mean for anyone beyond Tea Party time-travelers; instead, it rather doggedly documents a certain mindset that is unique (or perhaps just particularly widespread) in the USA of the twenty-first century.
Like many sitcoms, Sunny is a hybrid of earlier successes given its own distinctive twist—what might best be described in industry shorthand as a more loathsome Seinfeld meets a downscale Cheers.  From Seinfeld, the show borrows the now ubiquitous formula of urban singles who seemingly have little to no responsibilities beyond cultivating their skills at bantering.  Sunny also replicates the 3 guys/1 gal structure—but with the crucial addition of Danny DeVito’s “Frank” as the gang’s debauched and wholly irresponsible patriarch (Frank was a brilliant addition to the show’s architecture.  Father to the borderline American Psycho Dennis (Glen Howerton) and his ever-annoyed sister Dee (Kaitlin Olson), Frank doesn’t really seem to give a shit about anyone other than himself—devoting his senior years to drinking and whoring.  But as he either has (or had) money stashed away, he becomes the default protector/bankroller of the gang’s various misadventures). 
But while Seinfeld and company most often worked over the everyday minutiae of middle-class aggravation (“first-world problems,” as some now call them), Sunny’s crew seems to bicker endlessly about absolutely nothing at all.  More to the point, each character is typically so dug in defending his or her own delusional take on the sitcom situation at hand that, in the show’s best moments, it creates a polyphonic exchange of variously narcissistic and selfish monologues that amplify more than answer one another.  Often this is the crucial ingredient in separating the best episodes from the average—whether or not cast and director have captured the best possible group rants on film (last season, for example, some of this banter—typically so “natural’ to the cast—seemed a bit more forced, for whatever reason).    
Obviously, people everywhere in the world often argue about completely stupid and pointless things.  The distinctly American flavor of Sunny, I would argue, stems from the fact that each character, despite being a woefully uninformed and misguided idiot, is always completely and wholly convinced that he or she is 100% correct in any and all arguments—so much so that any actual communication, dialogue, and persuasion as we typically know them rarely if ever take place.  Characters will on occasion convince one another to cooperate in enacting a scheme of some sort, but most often these are only alliances of momentary convenience—each member of the gang is ready, willing, and able to screw over the other at the drop of a hat.  If Seinfeld famously lived by the credo “no hugs,” Sunny remains steadfastly committed to the principle of “no empathy”…for anyone…ever. 
Set primarily in the crappiest bar in Philly’s most dilapidated neighborhood, Sunny also references Cheers, but with an emphasis on capturing more honestly the milieu of the chronic drinker (Paddy’s, or its Boston equivalent, is where Cliff and Norm would eventually end up after drinking away their pensions).   The “bar” set (or its displaced cousins like “Central Perk” and the “Peach Pit”) has long been central to TV architecture—public spaces where characters can congregate for jokes and plot points.  Typically these sets weave the characters into a larger social world—the cast surrounded by various extras that circulate to signify the characters’ integration with our own reality.  True to the wicked inversions of Sunny, however, Paddy’s bar is a bleak and generally empty space.  It is occasionally packed on special occasions in service of the plot, but for the most part  has no clientele and merely serves as an echo-chamber for the inane bickering of the cast.  This isolation is further underscored in the exterior establishing shots that invariably depict the bar as standing alone in a beaten-down warehouse district devoid of all humanity, a place where one expects to see a tumbleweed blow by festooned with used condoms and dirty syringes (at left, L.A. exterior used for Paddy’s–courtesy Flickr Yousuba&!).
American comedy is frequently concerned with the invisible shell-game of “class,” typically in ways that stylize poverty to make it either a momentary comic irruption in middle-class life or the launching pad for eventual middle-class success.  Sunny, on the other hand, is particularly candid in examining the thin line dividing crippling destitution from out-and-out homelessness.   Given their location, the gang is constantly mixing with addicts, prostitutes, criminals, and—perhaps most magically—various shady characters that Frank and Charlie meet “under the bridge.”  Slightly better off than their neighbors, the gang’s relation to the human misery all around them is like that of most Americans—instrumental indifference (their repeated dealings with “Cricket” come to mind).  Building on this bedrock of a permanent underclass with no possibilities or aspirations, individual episodes often focus on the particularly American delusion–cultivated by almost everyone occupying a position other than Fortune 500 CFO or crack whore—that every citizen of the USA  is middle-class and rising.  Dennis, Dee, and Mac (Rob McElhenney), in particular, are constantly misjudging their positions on the economic, educational, and cultural ladder (Frank and Charlie (Charlie Day), for different reasons, don’t appear to care one way or another).
If nothing else, Sunny signifies how far television has come from the days of Buffalo Bill.  A noble one-season failure in 1983-84, Buffalo Bill was a much-heralded MTM sitcom starring Dabney Coleman.  The show garnered a lot of attention as the first sitcom to feature a lead character who was often “unlikeable” (a matter of judgment, obviously, as all of us no doubt have a sitcom lead from the 50s, 60s, or 70s we would like to punch in the face.  I’m looking at you, Hawkeye).   With Sunny we have an entire ensemble of assholes.

With one notable exception, perhaps unexpected in the show’s original design.  Despite the program’s general commitment to venal nastiness, Frank and Charlie’s warped father-son vibe has become somewhat of a moral anchor for the series.  Frank, again, has lived the middle-class “dream” of marriage, kids, and a house in the ‘burbs—but has decided, rather courageously, that he’d rather crash in a horrifying studio apartment and devote his time and energy to getting fucked up and laid as much as possible.  Meanwhile, his room and Murphy-bedmate Charlie is the show’s sole remaining innocent, a guy that one could imagine, given the right circumstances, might end up institutionalized either out of injustice, inconvenience, or a simple misunderstanding.   Like the rest of them, Charlie has his schemes.  But he also seems relatively content to never leave Philadelphia so that he might continue devoting his life to trapping the bar’s prodigious rat population.   
So, to summarize: uninformed, narcissistic idiots constantly arguing at cross-purposes, standing in a dying business in a dying neighborhood, ceaselessly scheming their way toward greater class mobility and failing utterly, but protected from their unrelenting idiocy by the residual capital reserves of their putative father—what could be more American than that?

January 21, 2012

Farewell, Summer Television

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The fall television season starts soon, and with it, the return of some of our most beloved entertainment franchises.  Soon we’ll know the true extent of Chuck Lorre’s rage at Charlie Sheen when he offs him in the most humiliating way possible on A Man + Ashton Kutcher ÷ the Teenage Remainder.   I’m pretty sure we left “House” in some kind of interesting scrape at the end of last season, although I am hard pressed to remember what it was.  And then there are the shiny new shows, like Whitey, which I think stars the lady from the Progressive Insurance ads shacking up with her boyfriend as they try to save up money to buy him a shaving kit.  There’s also the sci-fi show, Terra Nova, which upon cancellation will introduce us to the next generation of futuristic whiners mortally wounded that their series was not allowed to fulfill its destiny, even if that destiny was merely to be the Time Tunnel of 2011.     
Most exciting of all is NBC’s bold new experiment in wasting, as egregiously as possible, the considerable talents of Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph.  With little to no shame, Up All Night apparently has no more ambition than to document the hilarity of couples fighting over just who is going to get up and stick a bottle in the puling maw of a baby.  Given that these TV couples apparently chose to have these TV babies, I’m not sure why this should be my TV problem.  I know young parents secrete an enzyme that makes junior’s inopportune puking on various fabrics and visitors endlessly fascinating, but in the past such banal war stories have typically and mercifully circulated only among fellow parents —how NBC plans to do 22 episodes a year of dirty diaper jokes for those who don’t find little Johnny’s little shits adorable is a true mystery.  Unless one of the babies is from Venus or the reincarnation of Albert Fish or something equally edgy, I’ll pass, thank you very much. 
Of course, for all these new and returning shows to take to the airwaves, we must first say goodbye to the “summer” television season.  Time was when there was no such thing as a summer television season—the networks simply flipped into rerun mode and assumed everyone, on both sides of the screen, had better things to do with their time.  But as TV gradually came to realize that going dark for three months might, in the very near future, lead to an entire generation completely forgetting that television ever existed in the first place, the decision was made to create the illusion of exciting new programming year round.  
Many complain about the quality of summer television.  Not me.  In fact, I’m always a little sad to see it go.  Summer programming, as we have come to know it over the past few years, is like television’s feral cousin—recognizable as TV and yet unexpectedly “wild” in a way that the prestigious gloss of the autumn schedule would never abide.  It’s like the dog you once rescued from traffic at the side of the Interstate: he’s cute enough that you grow a little attached to him as he lives in your basement for a few days while you put up posters; and yet he is deranged enough that you come to understand how he got left on the side of the freeway in the first place.  You’re a little sad when the Humane Society finally comes to take him away, but not inconsolably so, much like the feeling you have when MTV breaks out the cattle prods to herd Ronnie and Sammi back into their enclosures until next season. 
One of the highlights of this summer was undoubtedly ABC’s Wipeout, a show where mobile assemblages of bone and meat subjected themselves to a punishing obstacle course for reasons that apparently had nothing to do with either prizes or fame.  In fact, I’m not even sure if Wipeout was actually a game show or just an ongoing X-treme sport product demo featuring recruits from various So-Cal fitness clubs looking to “test themselves” against the challenge of a human pachinko machine.  Making it even more stupidly unfair, some off-screen tech-lord apparently had the power to activate various booby-traps at his own discretion, making sure that even the most worthy competitor eventually ended up in the drink with a broken coccyx.  If, as a child, you ever wondered what it would be like to be miniaturized so that you could try to outrun the various components of “Mousetrap,” this was the show for you. Wipeout may seem like America’s take on those wacky Japanese game shows that focus on contestant pain and humiliation, but that comparison makes little to no sense given that it is almost impossible to humiliate an American, especially one appearing on television.  It would seem these people decided to appear on Wipeout for little more than talking points at various Orange County juice bars; or perhaps because, to have not done so, would be to lead a life slightly less awesome.
Less strenuous but no less ridiculous has been NBC’s It’s Worth What?, a post-empire version of The Price is Right hosted by a strangely distracted, perhaps even painfully embarrassed Cedric the Entertainer (at top).  Whereas The Price is Right concentrates on commonsense consumer-citizenship, rewarding viewers for actually knowing what a can of tuna or a washing machine might cost, It’s Worth What? works the freak show wing of capitalism.  The conceit here is that Cedric the Entertainer has access to a giant vault filled with odd treasures from around the world.  In each segment, contestants have to guesstimate the price of said objects—most of them ostensibly worthless– without fainting from shock or outrage.  Quick—which costs more—a Lamborghini Spider or a mint copy of the first issue of Spiderman?  The answer is almost unimportant (it’s the sports car, by a hair)—it is the question itself that is so perversely cruel.  In an era of massive economic retrenchment, here we have an entire hour devoted to “Theoretical Expenditures of the Leisure Class,” reminding viewers struggling to make rent that someone out there just paid 2.35 million for a Honus Wagner baseball card. 
At least It’s Worth What? feigns a “gee-whiz, rich people sure are crazy” type of populism that makes it available, however remotely, for an eventual Marxist epiphany. Over on Lifetime, however, there resides the irredeemable loathsomeness of The Picker Sisters.  In what is perhaps the most tone-deaf series currently on television, here we have two noisome interior designers (apparently on loan from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition) who wander through economically depressed regions of the nation in search of hidden treasures and cute knickknacks that they might refurbish and sell in their upscale boutique back in L.A.  In the episode I saw, the vulture twins spent a couple of hours swindling an older junk-gentleman in Alabama out of all kinds of odd scrap metal so that it might be stripped, powder-coated, and sold as adorable patio furniture to some copyright lawyer at Sony, a tool who will no doubt regale guests at his pool party with the interesting story of their origins (“Apparently these chairs were originally involved in the transportation of chickens in Alabama,” he laughs, reaching for another canapé. “How, I simply can’t imagine.”).   Not only is The Picker Sisters irksome for unabashedly trading in fantasies of the bi-coastal tasteful gleefully screwing over clueless rubes, it is also—quite unintentionally, I’m sure–a rather depressing documentary about the precipitous decline of the nation’s once great manufacturing base.  In another segment, the gals raid an old Army depot (again, somewhere in the south), now reduced to little more than a rusting collection of obsolescent hardware.  They are delighted to find an “Acid Suit” locker, a stand-alone metal closet that apparently once housed an emergency “acid suit” for that lucky soldier called upon to deal with the ominous eruption of an acid emergency in the plant.  Rather than ponder the object as silent testimony to the shared dangers and selfless sacrifice of previous generations working difficult jobs for the common good of the nation, the Pickers instead declare that the locker would make a great “wet bar” for some young Hollywood bachelor.  On a truck and back to L.A. it goes.  With any luck, residual benzene levels will ensure that everyone involved feeds a tumor with each new Mojito. 
The vaguely hypnotic Hillbilly Handfishin’, meanwhile, attempts to redress the regional antagonisms provoked by the likes of The Picker Sisters.  Here unlikely handfishers from around the nation come to a lake in Oklahoma to stand around in muddy water and let freakishly gigantic catfish swim through their legs—a practice offered as the key to resolving all manner of racial, regional, sexual, and class difference.  It’s an odd show, inasmuch as most of the “action” takes place under the water and the producers are apparently too cheap to spring for any submergible camera equipment.  For most of the program, we watch as three visiting couples and the two hosts stand waist deep in water, occasionally shouting out with surprise, pleasure, and/or pain when a giant flathead cat swims past their thigh, giving the whole enterprise a vaguely pornographic feel (perhaps better captured in the title of the earlier fish-in-the-crotch show, Okie Noodlin’). 
Speaking of slimy things swimming near your junk, Animal Planet got just about everything right in titling its summer exploitation classic: Man-Eating Super-Snake.  The premise here, as I understand it, is that there is currently a rogue species of Anaconda loose in the Florida Everglades.  If they begin to interbreed with another humongous snake indigenous to the area, most likely everyone weighing under 80lbs. and living south of Jacksonville will soon be dead.  The few minutes of the program that I witnessed featured the requisite “slither-cam,” in this case showcasing “man-eating super snake” as he made his way toward a crib.  I assume the baby was rescued at the last second and everyone learned an important safety lesson, like not leaving your baby’s crib at the edge of a swamp, but I can’t say for sure. 
Of course, the summer friends I will miss the most are the freaks, the glorious, glorious freaks, especially those lost souls that we got to meet in the second season of TLC’s My Strange Addiction.   Who could forget the gas-huffing Mom or the grown woman who took her creepy stuffed animals everywhere?   The woman who bathed thrice daily in bleach or the hipster taxidermist obsessively prowling the streets of Brooklyn in search of dead mice to stuff?  And who could forget Teresa, she who eats rocks, and Casie, she who eats the ashes of her dead husband?   If you somehow missed either of these segments over the summer, I highly recommend them both.  Teresa was especially amazing in that she apparently really eats rocks, not by swallowing little pebbles, mind you, but by actually taking great big crunchy bites out of large, hard rocks—teeth, intestines, and foley sweetening be damned!
I have come to love My Strange Addiction so much that I fear it may have peaked this season, so in the interest of having some good kooks for next summer, I will end here with the casting call currently posted at TLC.  If you are really screwed up, I beseech you, for my own personal entertainment pleasure, to share your story with us all:
MY STRANGE ADDICTION
Think you have an unusual compulsive behavior or strange habit? Do you find it consuming you, affecting your life, work and relationships? If you or someone you know is suffering from a strange addiction and would be interested in participating in our program, please send us a short description of your unusual behavior and the impact it has on your daily life to: casting@20west.tv. Please make sure to include your name, age, city of residence, a current photo, and a phone number or email where you can be reached for further questions.

January 21, 2012

I Saw That Movie Where All the Apes Get Mad and Take Over the World

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First of all, credit where credit is due.  Thank you, Hollywood, for finally making a film this summer that didn’t make me wish I had stayed home to express my cat’s blocked anal gland with a Q-Tip.  Rise of the Planet of the Apes is actually really, really good.  Surprisingly good.  True, it did require the industry to dip back into the stockpile of science-fiction ideas that existed before Star Wars transformed the entire genre into little more than an endless sword ‘n’ sandal flick with more and better weapons, but if that means getting a Zardoz reboot next, I’ll take it.
If anyone reading this is in or near Malibu, by the way, please kidnap Michael Bay and force him to see Rise immediately so that he might learn the basics of scene articulation and narrative structure.  If Rise can make me misty-eyed over a big, dumb ape taking out a helicopter, surely Bay can learn how to help us keep track of who is a Transformer, who is a Decepticon, who is Shia LeBeouf, and why we should even care in the first place.   Okay, obligatory Bay = State of current cinema joke out of the way, let’s proceed…
Let me say this:  I wish Rise of the Planet of the Apes were happening right now.  I wish super-intelligent apes were swinging through the trees this very moment ready to lay waste to our sorry civilization.  It’s about time another species took over for our terrible stewardship of the planet and of ourselves.  Millions starving.  Inequality increasing.  Axe Body Spray still on the market.  At this point, the ghost of Paul the psychic Octopus deciding affairs of state with an aqua-Ouija board could probably run most governments better than we humans.  And look, we all know this movie is only showing us our inevitable future.  Apes may not learn to talk and organize themselves into medieval fighting formations, but it’s even money we end up taking ourselves out with a virus that we will probably invent for profit.  It may be an additive used to extend the shelf-life of Cheezy Bread Stix or a fine mist Steve Jobs sprays into the atmosphere to make Apple users misplace their dongles and cords that much quicker, but it’s going to happen, we’re going to take ourselves out in a way that is cosmically embarrassing. 
That’s why it’s so great that Rise targets San Francisco as the first city to go—It’s an open attack on all the Trekkies out there who imagine that Frisco will be the gateway for projecting our boring, homogenized cultural differences of the future out into the universe so that we can lecture other cultures (alien ones, no less) on what they should and should not be doing.  You say the future is a bank lobby in space where we all obey the prime directive whilst discovering every civilization in the universe has its own form of brightly colored liquor?   I say it will be genetically mutated monkeys ripping out our tracheae and kneecaps just for the hell of it.
In this respect, I always thought Spielberg missed a real opportunity with the Jurassic Park series.  After humans stupidly brought dinosaurs back to life, wouldn’t it have been great if a bunch of pterodactyls got loose, bred in such numbers that we couldn’t really control them, and then occasionally swooped down to snatch away house pets and small unguarded children?  Not so often that we had to declare a “War on Pterodactyls,” obviously, but maybe with the same frequency as people being hit by lightning—just enough to remind us of what dumbasses we were for bringing dinosaurs back to life in the first place, or for trying to play an extra hole of golf in the face of an advancing thunderstorm.  I salute Rise for having the courage to remind us that it is often our very intelligence that makes us the stupidest ape of all.  Imagine how much more free and full of life you’d feel if you could simply entertain yourself by throwing your own feces at various comic foils, as opposed to feeling dead inside after paying $14 to see Kevin James do it for you (wait, crossover alert: the mad-as-hell apes of Rise invade Zookeeper, radicalize the non-human primates, and then all escape the film to leave their bewildered human cast-mates wondering where the next fart joke will come from). 
Like all science-fiction, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is of course an allegory.  I’ve heard many say this week, either in jest or quite earnestly, that the film is a great parable about the Tea Party—angry right-wingers as angry apes rising up against their oppressors.  That’s a really nasty swipe, of course, seeing as how gratuitously insulting it is to apes.  After all, the apes of Rise all learn to cooperate for the common good.  They share their cookies and divide the labor “from each according to his need, to each according to his ability.”  They also learn very quickly how important it is to get a good education, as in that scene where the guard catches them all going to night school.  Say what you want about how smelly, dirty, or damned they might be, but an ape isn’t the type of creature that would prefer to shit in coffee cans and stack them on his neighbor’s property line rather than pay that extra penny in sales tax to refurbish his community’s sewer system.  No, an ape is smarter than that. 
Actually, as far as parables go, I think the film is much more interesting in its kinship to the zombie genre.  A few years ago I delivered a paper in London (at the Cine-Excess conference) on the zombie film as a rather playful indulgence of a collective and accelerating social death-drive. Zombies are scary—particularly those British ones that cheat by running extra-fast—but there’s also something exhilarating in seeing the entirety of our social world absolutely destroyed.  After all, what’s so bad about being a zombie?  You’re still somewhat sentient, apparently, certainly more so than if you just watched 100 Ways to Leave a Game Show or paid actual attention to the last Katy Perry CD all the way through.  Moreover, the only thing that can kill you is a clean brain shot—and once everyone else in the world is also a zombie, that isn’t very likely to happen.  Zombies don’t have to work or pay mortgages or worry about their personal appearance anymore—what’s not to like?
If anything, Rise is even more candid and enthusiastic than most zombie films in indulging our desire to watch humankind snuff it—you’re on your feet by the end cheering the primate army as they hoist us brainiacs by our own R&D petard.  Hurray for the noble apes!  Hurray we’ll all be coughing up blood and dying soon!  True, it’s a shame the death of humanity will mean no more incredible specimens like James Franco, Freida Pinto, and the hypothetical primates they might spawn, but that’s a small price to pay for exterminating assholes like that guy in the Ape house with the cattle prod or the pilot-neighbor-from-hell living next door.   If I had a neighbor like that, I’d be personally injecting local raccoons with anything I could find in the hopes that one would eventually turn sour and spray his patio furniture with some form of mutantly toxic urine.
So kudos once again, Hollywood, for getting it right this time.  I eagerly await the next installment when all the CGI Apes are rather surrealistically talking (which I hope will be even weirder than imagining Roddy McDowell’s mouth flapping behind the latex in the original series).  I also hope the sequel has the guts to show thousands of Americans waiting around to die from the mutant virus, sad they will soon be no more, but ecstatic that they didn’t have to see their tax dollars wasted on government medical research or to support the implementation of Obama’s goddamn socialized medicine scheme.

January 17, 2012

The McSweeneys Books Q&A with John Horgan, author of The End of War by McSweeney’s Books

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War is a fact of human nature. As long as we exist, it exists. That’s how the argument goes. But longtime Scientific American writer John Horgan disagrees. In this compact, methodical treatise, Horgan examines dozens of examples and counterexamples — discussing chimpanzees and bonobos, warring and peaceful indigenous people, World War I and Vietnam, Margaret Mead and General Sherman — as he finds his way to war’s complicated origins. John Horgan sat down with McSweeney’s editor Jesse Nathan to discuss his new book, The End of War.

- – -

 
McSWEENEY’S: In The End of War you argue that war is not, in fact, ingrained in human nature. Do you consider yourself starry-eyed? Idealistic?
 
JOHN HORGAN: Actually, I consider myself to be pretty hard-nosed and skeptical about some human aspirations. My first three books were about how we face fundamental limits in what we can know about nature, ourselves, and ultimate reality. But in the same way that my research made me pessimistic about these endeavors, it made me optimistic about the prospects for eradicating war. When I would tell people I was working on a book about the possibility of ending war once and for all, they often looked at me with amusement, as if I’d confessed to belief in ghosts or angels (although I suspect more people believe in ghosts and angels than in a world without war). But once I gave them some details of my argument, they usually got very interested.
 
McSWEENEY’S: How did this book originate?
 
HORGAN: I’ve been obsessed with the craziness of war since I was a boy, when I first learned that at any moment nuclear bombs could wipe out humanity and even all life on earth. I’ve covered war-related topics throughout my career as a journalist. But I started thinking about writing this book four or five years ago, when I realized how many people think that war is a permanent part of the human condition.
 
McSWEENEY’S: Does The End of War serve as a prediction about our future, or is it more of an effort to articulate a choice we have?
 
HORGAN: Both. I predict that if we see war as a choice, and not as something that is foisted on us by forces beyond our control, and if we do all we can to end war, we will succeed.
 
McSWEENEY’S: You interviewed a lot of people in the course of your research. Does anyone stand out?

HORGAN: I was especially delighted to interview the legendary political scientist Gene Sharp, who has devoted his career to pointing out all the ways in which nonviolent actions can bring about dramatic political changes. Sharp’s writings have inspired lots of successful nonviolent movements, including the uprisings that toppled repressive regimes in Tunisia and Egypt and even Occupy Wall Street. Some people revere him, with good reason, as an almost saintly figure, but in person he is a tough, no nonsense curmudgeon. He is so unflinchingly unsentimental about humanity, and clear-eyed about just how selfish, cruel, and stupid we can be. And yet far from succumbing to cynicism and pessimism, Sharp is an idealist, who has dedicated himself to helping us overcome our worst tendencies and create a better world.
 
McSWEENEY’S: What was your greatest discovery?

HORGAN: Perhaps the biggest surprise was that the oldest evidence for warfare—organized fighting between two or more groups—dates back only ten- or twelve-thousand years. I’d simply accepted, and had even helped promulgate, the claim of scientists that group violence dates back hundreds of thousands, and even millions, of years.

McSWEENEY’S: Do you identify as a pacifist?

HORGAN: I used to think of myself as a pacifist, and I have tremendous admiration for pacifists like Gandhi and Martin Luther King. But I’ve reluctantly come to believe that in certain situations, which I call damned-if-you-do-or-don’t dilemmas, we might need to use violence to prevent greater violence and suffering. But we need to do so in a way that does not glorify or legitimize violence, and only after all nonviolent solutions have failed. As much as possible, our actions should be consistent with the larger goal of ending war once and for all.
 
McSWEENEY’S:  You come from a military family. Why didn’t you join the military?

HORGAN: There was no chance of that. I grew up in the sixties, and I was a typical counterculture kid, who questioned the values of his elders. Also, when I turned eighteen in 1971, the Vietnam War was still raging, and like many people in my generation, I thought the war was immoral or worse. “Not even wrong,” as I say in my book. I rejected not just that war, but militarism in general.

McSWEENEY’S: What can any one person really do to help bring about the end of war?
 
HORGAN: Talk to others about your views of war, and if they’re fatalists, try to convince them that they should be optimists. Seek out and support groups and political leaders who are seeking an end to war and militarism, or start such a group, or become such a leader yourself.

McSWEENEY’S: If we’re truly rational creatures, why haven’t we rid ourselves of war long ago?
 
HORGAN: Of course there have always been visionaries, from Buddha to Einstein, who have recognized the insanity of war. But the militarism meme is deeply entrenched in most societies, and it manages to convince even very smart people that war is rational. We reason that the best way to achieve peace is to arm ourselves and even attack potential enemies before they attack us. We need to recognize the fallacy of this sort of logic, which in the nuclear era poses a threat to our very existence.
 
McSWEENEY’S: Are there examples of warring cultures that have found a more peaceful way to exist?
 
HORGAN: The Waorani, a tribal society in the Amazonian rainforest, were at one time the most violent people known to anthropologists. They came to recognize that warfare threatened their very existence, and yet people in different villages feared each other so much that they didn’t dare to meet to negotiate a truce. But then missionaries came up with an ingenious solution to help them out of their impasse. (Read Chapter Five, which is called “Choosing Peace,” if you want to know what the solution is.)
 
McSWEENEY’S: How do you respond to environmentalists who warn that population growth plus global warming, if unchecked, might lead to violent clashes over food and fresh water?
 
HORGAN: I think these sorts of scary predictions are counterproductive. If you scare people in this way, they might arm themselves for the approaching apocalypse instead of trying to live in more sustainable ways. There is not a strong correlation between war and resource scarcity. We should pursue environmental goals for their own sake, not to avoid war.
 
McSWEENEY’S: How long will it take for us to achieve a world without war?
 
HORGAN: Not long at all. If political leaders and citizens are committed to the goal of ending international war, and finding nonviolent means of resolving disputes, they can end armed conflict at any time and start cutting back on their armies. Those who find this possibility unlikely should consider the remarkably rapid—and nonviolent!—end of the Soviet Union, one of the most powerful, oppressive regimes in history

- – -

To purchase The End of War, please visit our store. To watch an MSNBC interview with John Horgan, click here.

January 6, 2012

American Policy Suggestions from a Chicago Sports Fan: The Bears Fired Jerry Angelo, But Is It Enough to Save the Economy? by Matt McKenna

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- – -

Most Americans are familiar with the two economic bubbles that severely disrupted the U.S. economy during the aughts: the dot-com bubble that burst in 2001 and the real estate bubble that began to deflate in 2006. Blame for these speculative manias have been hurled—fairly and unfairly—at myriad individuals and organizations. Many pundits blame politicians for lack of oversight. Fault has also been directed towards the financial institutions that gambled away the national economy for short-term profit. Still others blame regular, “main street” Americans who personally over-leveraged themselves. With so many accusations of stupidity and impropriety bandied about, it is a wonder that nary a word has been written or uttered regarding the most damaging catalyst of modern economic bubbles. This, of course, is a problem since all the well-meaning regulation our government can muster will be for naught if it doesn’t first address the market distorting effects of former Chicago Bears general manager Jerry Angelo.

To understand the economic bubbles of the previous decade, one must first understand another type of bubble introduced by the recently dismissed Angelo administration. These bubbles were and are created not by inflated stock prices or outrageous valuations, but by building a sub-par Bears team that nonetheless goes on to have an inexplicably fantastic season. Examples of “win bubbles” include a Chicago team that had no business going 13-3 and winning the division in 2001 and another that played in the 2006 Super Bowl despite starting Rex Grossman at quarterback. Like all bubbles, these win bubbles eventually burst, and chagrined Bears fans are left to ponder why they bothered to put on clothes and walk to the bar just to see their hapless team get crushed by three touchdowns to one of the lesser franchises in one of the lesser divisions in a game in which the opposing team was missing crucial members of their offensive line and were clearly outmatched on both sides of the ball. The pain, however, is not limited solely to Bears fans. Indeed, once optimism in the Bears’ future playoff opportunities falters, it is empirically demonstrable that economic bubbles will soon start to pop and the stock market will tank. This is the pain felt by the wider economy.

Jerry Angelo became the General Manager for Chicago Bears in 2001, inheriting a 5-11 club and a stock market that had already dropped 27% between January 1st and September 23rd when the Bears notched their first win of the season. The Bears then rattled off five more consecutive victories and went on to surprise sports and economic analysts by accumulating a 13-3 record. Fan expectations for the next season rose, and the economy appeared to stabilize. By the time the regular season ended with the Bears as an unlikely division champion, the S&P was up 21% from its 2001 low point.

Of course, that’s not the end of the story. After a brutal home playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles and a disheartening 4-12 follow-up season, expectations once again plummeted. This correction propelled the dot-com bust to new lows and lead to a -22.10% annual return for the S&P 500 in 2002.

As dramatic as the collapse of the 2001 win bubble was, it pales in comparison to the 2006 version. The Bears finished the previous season with a respectable 11-5 record and a trip to the playoffs. Fans, still skeptical from the previous bubble, were cautiously optimistic about the next season’s possibilities. To the (temporary) joy of Bears followers and economists alike, the 2006 season was even more spectacular than could reasonably be hoped as the team finished the regular season 13-3 and made it all the way to the Super Bowl. The stock market responded and the S&P 500’s annual return shot up to 15.79%.

Although pundits and fans were initially bullish on the Bears chances for the following 2007 season, a sense of unease slithered its way throughout Chicagoland after the ugly loss to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLI. Those fears, sadly, were warranted. As the Bears tragically finished the 2007 season with a losing record, the S&P annual return dropped more than 10% from the previous year as the concomitant housing bubble began to burst. Unfortunately, a single year was not enough time to absorb all the disappointment endured by such a pathetic follow up effort to a promising Super Bowl season. Thus, by 2008, the win bubble that catalyzed the housing bubble that catalyzed the worldwide financial crisis was in full effect. The S&P’s annual return for 2008 was a ghastly -37.00%, and the world economy has yet to fully recover.

Heading into 2012, economists and Chicago sports columnists should be gravely concerned because all indicators show that Angelo has once again produced a win bubble. The Bears 2010 season ended in surprise appearance in the NFC Championship game—a game few analysts felt the Bears had a chance to win because there existed no good explanation for how the Bears got there in the first place. Not surprisingly, the Bears 2011 season was a disappointment, ending with a 8-8 record despite a relatively easy schedule. Sound familiar? It should: this sort of out-of-nowhere-wonderful season followed up by a heinously terrible season is the unmistakable indicator of a win bubble. Now that we’ve seen a win bubble, will we also see the bursting of another economic bubble in 2012? I certainly wouldn’t bet against it.

What can be done to stabilize the Chicago Bears success and subsequently the economy? Well, firing Angelo was a start: his tenure as general manager has been fraught with bubbles of all stripes, and the team/economy clearly needs a new direction lest the suffering continue. It is now up to all of us to hold the Bears organization responsible for putting a team together that is geared towards long-term success and economic growth rather than short-term playoff appearances with booms and shameful, shameful busts.

December 19, 2011

Its All Greek to Me: A Column on Sororities in the South : Formalities by M.M. Locker

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Less than 24 hours after the first celebration of sisterhood, we are informed of our first swap and first formal. It is exciting, but it really doesn’t go over very well. Within two weeks, we’re supposed to find and ask a date to our sorority Fall Formal, and within the next twelve hours we’re supposed to devise clever costumes for a swap.

Swaps are named not for the swapping of oral bacteria that often occurs on the dance floor, but for the social swapping of one sorority and one fraternity on campus. These parties are weekly, sometimes bimonthly, always on school nights, and hosted at bars that, on regular nights, freshmen are barely even allowed to approach. So it makes for an out of the ordinary and fun night already, even before the incorporation of a dress-up theme.

Sitting in the kitchen of my new sorority home, our pledge trainers try to explain the concept of our first swap, to be held tonight. Its theme is a wedding. Since most of us are majoring in hospitality management, this is a very good theme. Guys aren’t considered dates by Ole Miss girls, they are considered Potential Husbands. Our pledge class has many golden girls, but one who is particularly golden is designated the bride, a few others her bridesmaids, another her mother, and the rest of us are stuck in the broad category of GUESTS.

I’m okay with that. After a quick trip to the Goodwill (packed with Greeks each outdoing the others’ costumes) and then to the Salvation Army after Goodwill is entirely picked over, I find a costume, a clever-but-not-too-clever-don’t-worry-someone-else-will-be-dressed-the-same costume. I’m going to be a wedding crasher! Hah! Wow, originality, oh yeah, let me throw on boxers and a button-up and a tie and a garter, why not.

The swap is our first sorority-sponsored event, and I’m nervous about it. Not only do I need to impress my sisters with my behavior and sense of humor, but the corresponding fraternity as well. Tonight’s is among the best on campus, and its freshmen pledge class contains probably the most attractive boys I know. So my crasher attire will be inviting, right? Subtly, one would hope.

I dress for the swap with Abbey, my best friend from home, also a new member of Sorority H who has suffered all the ups and downs of the semester thus far along with me. We don our wedding guest attire and look… cute? We look stupid, actually, really, really stupid. This leaves us with little confidence to roam the dorm to meet up with more friends. It’s almost 10:00 pm when our group realizes we haven’t left yet, and that the two “pregame” parties have been shut down by cops or lack of alcohol, but we manage to find sober drivers, half gallons of cheap vodka with girly chasers, and our ways to The Levee, Oxford’s most despised bar, the location of the evening’s ceremony.

Still sticking together, as freshmen should on the bar scene, Abbey and I are greeted just beyond the bouncer by a junior boy, also from our hometown. He’s having a grand old time, congratulates us on our bids, poses for a quick “reppin’ the hometown” picture, and proceeds to the bar to buy us shots.

They are, appropriately, called Alabama Slammers, and they are really, really good. The next thing I know, Abbey is gone and I am kissing the cheek of a boy in tortoiseshell glasses, apparently only for the reason that I love his tortoiseshell glasses. Something is off. I have had minimal amounts to drink, but something feels really off, I’m alone and not bothered by it, the crowded bar feels like my friend, I’m making it, this is okay—and then I see freshman bachelor #1, a fellow counselor at the summer camp of my past. He is someone I barely know, but with whom I share common interests and even a random night out of our right minds on a lakefront. He’s dancing.

It’s not clear how, but I make my way to him and suddenly he isn’t dancing, he’s listening and then shushing me as I profess to him my undying love. I think this lasts more than ten minutes. No one but him notices, but I slip in the soiled muck on the bar floor known as “Levee juice” and he has to lift me to my feet. He is generous with the whole scenario, owing me nothing, but taking care to be sweet with all he says, keeping our conversation low-key.

Potential husband? Great job, Mary.

The next morning, I want to kick myself. I wake up to a text from him, yes, him, summer camp frat star, which says: I love you girl. Glad we had that little chat. I want to die. I apologize in a not-too-eager text, because good God, I don’t actually have real feelings for him. To explain the night, I decide my single shot must have been Xanaxed or something. Maybe it was, probably it wasn’t. Either way, he never replies.

Swaps are apparently not my forte. Over the course of the day, I gather firsthand accounts of minimally ridiculous things I did at the bar. My pledge trainer walked up to me in the bathroom, excited to see me and even more excited that she remembered my name.

“Oh my gosh, hey, I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “Where do I know you from? You look so familiar.”

Apparently she found this funny, but if I could I’d be kicking myself even harder.

Then, in doing my best to get over my completely inaccurate, yet somehow still inadequate, profession of love on the dance floor, I revisit other text messages I sent last night. One, to a girl in my pledge class who I’d secretly like to be best friends with, who I met for the first time last night, reads: riding on the bus for your birthday! you go girl. At lunch she tells me it wasn’t her birthday, and that she doesn’t know why I would send that. Solid. Awesome. Go Rebs.

But in the grand scheme of things, this was a tame first swap. Our golden girl bride got her very first kiss (from the handsome frat boy groom, of course), and that is the most interesting piece of news. It’s cute, not in any way embarrassing like my outburst could have been. I promise myself—because no one else noticed—that I will take it easier next time.

But then, you know, it’s almost formal and I barely know a masculine soul besides friends of Abbey’s boyfriend, all sophomore fratdaddies. I’m working up the nerve to ask a certain one to go with me, one I find very attractive but do not know well; but then I convince myself to ask one who is just a friend, somebody I’ve kissed once or twice or a few times for no apparent reason. So I’m excited. I’m making plans. Then my very own roommate, now a sister, decides she will ask my crush instead. She asks my permission after it is done. Drama drama drama. I’m mad for maybe eleven hours, then it doesn’t matter, what’s done is done is done. He’s not as cute as I think he is.

So formal night arrives, and I look pretty, I mean wow, seriously? Like, I look good. My roommate and I—all potential rifts appropriately mended—decide to make ourselves a quick few drinks while we put on makeup. Next thing I know, the lights are out save our hipster-moody dorm Christmas lights, and we are blaring “The Only One” by The Black Keys on repeat. This. Is. So. COLLEGE!!! Maturity! Adulthood! Drinking (pretty much) in solitude! Cool!

Call me Queen of the Lightweights, but when our dates arrive (together, almost awkwardly), I’m already bested. My date looks great, but no, I’m not sweet to him, I’m a belligerent tease.

So:

Formal happens—one minute I’m laughing with my date

—the next I see summer camp boy on the dance floor and nearly repeat my wedding swap antics

—the next I’m arm-in-arm with upperclassmen friends, who are casting me glances, sideways and concerned

—the next I’m alone in the chilly night weather, a cute boy smoking telling me he can’t find his date either

—the next I’m back on the bus, opening and reopening my purse, making sure I haven’t lost anything, smiling, feeling faint, not showing it, I hope, braided bun falling, falling, and then falling fast asleep.

- – -

I can’t forgive myself in the morning. Not only do I feel like a victim of a cruel, continuous beating, I’m humiliated. People have called and texted me to make sure I’m all right, which, really, says it all. I skip the Grove and the football game (as if we had a chance of winning anyway). I head to Wal-Mart instead and buy two small cakes and frosting, which I use to spell SORRY on each of them. I leave one at the sorority house, addressed to a friend who looked out for me, and have Abbey and her boyfriend take one to my date at his fraternity house.

I’m unhappy.

Not just that, I’m irresponsible, incapable of holding my own. This is me: a newly pledged member of a sorority I’d like to call home. I thought it was home already? But apparently it isn’t. I haven’t earned that yet. I’m not belligerent, I’m not “that girl,” but last night I well may have been. College! Maturity! Yeah, right, okay.

I’m a nice girl. I buy cakes and decorate them.

Part of me thinks I should be unconcerned. Mary Marge, you know, that girl who doesn’t care about conforming or belonging, that girl entirely her own. Who cares if I was nuts last night?! It affects no one’s life but mine.

Well, the rest of me realizes that this isn’t true. Stupid or overrated as it may sound, I’m part of something now, something I have no business representing poorly. Have I been brainwashed? Nah, I’ve just been kicked in the shins with a reality check. No matter how dumb the recruitment process, it landed me here, among people I like and respect for the most part. I can’t like and respect the whole of my sorority unless I can totally like and respect myself. Clarity understanding purpose motivation.

So without becoming someone new, here’s to becoming a better, milder-mannered me. I’ll drink—well, a little—to that.

December 16, 2011

Some fun tax and accountancy related tweets

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Just written a cheque for my accountant, who has the longest address in Christendom. It’s a good job biro ink is tax-deductible.
@adateal

Smaller than expected tax return further crunched by larger than expected bill from accountant. Bugger.
@GunslingerElite

Somehow, even in my most successful days as a history student, i always knew the world force me into becoming an accountant #stupid economy
@mrstephencamp

The accountant’s #happydance.. finding an eligible $100 deduction. Ends when client gets mad for having to save more receipts
@iphoenixcpa

Every year it’s the same. I’m doing my tax return and I can’t find the stapler, staples or paper clips I need. I buy more. Next year; gone!
@wiggedy

Scary letter from the Inland Revenue I delayed opening, turned out to be a £50 tax rebate. Lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
@shanegriffiths

Client:Didn’t think anyone would know. Me:U mean tax fraud? Being wrong year after year is bad pattern. Client:Could I go to jail? Me:Pack.
@ForensicCPA

This card from inland revenue isn’t very jolly… or christmassy… or cardy… its more like a bill really. Think I’ll stick it up anyway.
@MarkBrotherhood

December 9, 2011

Really funny jokes-Stupid superheroes

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Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

December 6, 2011

Bitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Column 31: Moral Hazard and The Chubby Blue Line by Susan Schorn

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Alexis Madrigal feels bad for John Pike.

The UC-Davis cop who pepper-sprayed a bunch of students last month inspired Madrigal’s sympathy because, as the Atlantic editor put it, “Structures, in the sociological sense, constrain human agency. And for that reason, I see John Pike as a casualty of the system, too.”

Perhaps Madrigal’s own agency is somewhat constrained (in the sociological sense) by the structure of his Atlantic editorship. Maybe the demands of his job nudge him toward nuance even when it’s contraindicated. Maybe that’s why he cautions, “If we vilify Pike, we let the institutions off way too easy.”

Nonsense. In fact, we can vilify both, quite handily. There’s no need to separate Pike from the institution; John Pike is the institution.

Lest you think I have no sympathy at all for Lt. Pike, please remember: I like hitting people. It brings me joy. So I sympathize with Pike, in a way that perhaps Alexis Madrigal can’t, because Alexis Madrigal has never (I presume) punched someone in the face and thought, “Oh, yeah.” Being faster, or stronger, or more skilled, or more devious, or just plain luckier than someone else—even if only for an instant—is a rush. It’s a thrill. And it makes me feel good about myself and about my life.

However, I do not admire this trait in myself. In fact, I think it’s despicable on many levels, and I’m regularly appalled by how strong and persistent and integral it is to my personality. But I’ve long since abandoned any hope of changing what is evidently a very primal element of my character. Instead I manage it by limiting my expression of these feelings to the strictly defined arena of martial arts sparring. This keeps me out of trouble. The legal kind—and other kinds too.

The structure of the sparring ring constrains me. It enforces an essential honesty by ensuring that I will not do all the hitting. It requires me to risk something—a lot of things, actually. Apart from hurting, getting hit makes me feel slow and stupid and weak. It leaves me shaken and envious and angry about life in general. A certain amount of that is, I firmly believe, good for me.

Sparring is structured to make you experience both sides of power. It distributes risk and reward more or less equitably between the participants. Whatever thrill you get out of dominating or attempting to dominate your opponent has to be paid for, at market rates. There are no free lunches in the ring.

I suspect John Pike has had a lot of free lunches. And yes, that’s due in large part to the structure in which he functions, the UC-Davis police force. But not entirely.

Let me put it this way: One of the most irresponsible things a human being could do would be to put me in body armor and a helmet, hand me a weapon, and point me toward a crowd of troublemakers. I’m not saying I’d end up macing a bunch of defenseless teenagers like Lt. Pike did, but I couldn’t vouch for my good behavior at, say, a Westboro Baptist Church protest. With the risks to myself reduced practically to zero, and the domination of others simplified to the touch of a button—how easy it would be to brush aside the better angels of my nature (who are a pretty scurvy crew at the best of times) and enjoy only the positive side of power. Free lunch!

Like I said, it would be irresponsible for anyone to put me in that position. It would be doubly irresponsible for me to put myself in that position. I know what I’m capable of, better than anyone else. I know I need a different kind of structure if I don’t want to end up acting like an asshole.

Sure, if I were empowered by some system to pepper-spray whoever the hell I wanted, I could blame the system for my behavior. If I had been trained by a system, my worst tendencies nurtured and fostered by the system, its structures, its policies—I could blame the system. And if I were a chicken-shit bully, that’s exactly what I’d do.

But the ultimate blame, in the greatest measure, would belong to me. Because I joined the agency. I took the training and the paycheck. I shaped myself to the system and imbibed its policies, and used my brains and my body to enact them. Presumably I got some sense of professional fulfillment out of the transaction as well.

Social structures may constrain human agency, but we have—in this country at least—considerable agency to choose the structures that will constrain us. For example, I chose a system that requires me to wear a plastic mouthguard and allow people to kick me. John Pike chose a system that put him in body armor and gave him permission to gas students who disobeyed his commands. I’m not saying that makes me better than him, necessarily. I’m just pointing out that one of us is currently the subject of four separate Tumblrs, and it’s not me.

We not only have the power to choose the structures we operate in; we also have tremendous power to resist their constraints from within. When we resist, we can change the structures, as well as ourselves.

The students at UC-Davis understood this better than Lt. Pike. One of them, a post-doc named Kristin Koster, spoke eloquently about witnessing the pepper-spraying incident. “When you protect the things you believe in with your body," she explained, "it changes you for good. It radicalizes you for good.”

And, I would add, when you protect the things you’re paid to believe in with shiny weapons, that can cause pain and suffering for others without any risk to you, it changes you for bad. It radicalizes you for bad.

The student protestors risked their safety in order to challenge the university and its duly sworn representatives. “Here are our bodies,” they said when they plunked themselves down, en masse, on a sidewalk. “Show us the limits of your decency.”

And John Pike showed us. He used a biological weapon instead of a can of spray paint, but he basically graffitied a big “FUCK YOU” across the student body of UC-Davis. We supposedly admire law enforcement officers because they risk so much to protect us. John Pike risked nothing. That’s not good policing, or even over-reacting. That’s abuse of power.

And what was the official reaction to Lt. Pike’s actions? Police Chief Annette Spicuzza claimed Pike and his fellow officers were in danger; that students had “cut them off from their support.” In this official version of reality, a small peaceful protest is re-imagined as the Battle of Bastogne, with a circle of cross-legged, jeans-wearing students assuming all the menace of several divisions of Panzers, while John Pike acts the part of Patton’s Third Army, smashing through the enemy line to relieve the siege.

UC-Davis Chancellor Linda Katehi initially said she was “sorry for what happened,” as if apologizing for an unruly spouse who had gotten drunk and pissed on the carpet at a dinner party.

It’s as if these people can’t even see the video everyone else is watching. As if their YouTube Safety Mode is set to “Unquestioned Authority.”

People aren’t born with that kind of reality filter. They have to build it for themselves. Those structures Alexis Madrigal is talking about, the ones that constrain us? Yeah, we build them around ourselves. We strengthen them every time we see or take part in an exercise of power that isn’t equitable—unless we make some attempt to balance the scales.

When you don’t regularly experience both sides of power, you make bad choices. Over time, those choices add up. When you have a high-status title, and everyone listens attentively to you; when you carry a weapon and strut around barking orders at people who are either too meek to stand up to you or too polite to tell you what an ass you look like, you forget that the real world isn’t actually structured in a way that assures you victory, control, respect, and continued power.

In short, you run into a little problem that economists like to call “moral hazard,” and I like to call “not getting kicked in the nuts often enough.”

Hitting people, pepper-spraying them, and similar abuses of power, have the potential to yield significant benefits for those who employ them. Under normal circumstances, they also have costs, or “consequences.” I punch you in the solar plexus; you kick me in the temple. I pepper-spray you while you are legally exercising your First Amendment rights, and I get sued and thrown in jail. When you create a system that maximizes the benefits of power and eliminates its costs, people in that system have little incentive to curtail their use of power. That’s not “constraint”; it’s unwarranted license.

Oddly enough, this is exactly the problem that the UC-Davis students were trying to draw attention to when Lt. Pike gassed them. They were protesting massive tuition and fee increases prompted by the general economic collapse. They objected to the fact that they and their school were being punished for the bad behavior of bankers (some of whom sit on the school’s Board of Regents), who took risks with other people’s money and got bailed out with federal tax dollars. Moral hazard, you see.

What to do about all this? How to change the structures that caused all this violence? My own experience with moral hazard in the sparring ring leads me to propose the following solution for the corrupt financial system the UC-Davis students, and the Occupy movement, are protesting. Every time a banker, CEO, broker, or other fiduciary agent loses, steals, or gambles away a million dollars of someone else’s money, we should refrain from plucking a million dollars from the public treasury and handing it over to the risk-taker. Instead, we should designate some neutral third party to kick the offender in the nuts (or punch them in the head, if they’re female, though that’s statistically pretty unlikely). This system restores the balance; it reintroduces risk in an immediate and meaningful way, and it doesn’t involve the SEC. Everyone wins.

And because I understand his position all too well, I offer this advice to Lt. John Pike, if he ever wants to rejoin decent society: Dude, you have to apologize. Big time. And you’d better mean it, and you’d damn well better look like you mean it.

And what should you do after that, Lieutenant? I could recommend some soul-searching, or meditation, or anger management classes. But what you really ought to do is take off your body armor (it looks like a tight fit on you anyway; I imagine it chafes), find the nearest boxing gym or martial arts school that will allow you through its doors, and get into the ring with someone roughly your own size. Take a couple of shots to the head, maybe a kick in the groin. Act as tough as you want, and pay for it out of your own pocket for once.

See if it’s worth the price.

December 4, 2011

Funny jokes-Girlfriend in car

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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

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