Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean
No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen
Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight
We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right
So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can
It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span
When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care
That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there
We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not!
Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot
Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do
It’s only incidental when we make more work for you
I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say
Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today?
Contributed by StePurham on AccountingWeb
Category: Accountant Jokes
January 3, 2012
An ode to auditing
December 22, 2011
Two HMRC related analogies that made me smile
- If HMRC ran a café it would drag passers-by in from the street, force them to cook their own lunch, then fine them for overcooking the eggs. Two weeks later, it would dispatch a leaflet explaining that cooking eggs is easy! But doubling the fine.
- If you’re a wily corporation, you can play this malign incompetence to your advantage. If you are well-meaning but don’t have a degree in fiscal management, never mind funds for an accountant, then you must make endless angst-ridden calls to Patricia in the HMRC office in Pyongyang. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried phoning Patricia, but when she does pick up, she’s rarely pleased to hear from you. Having read the new report from the Public Accounts Committee about HMRC’s “systemic failures”, however, I’m going to ask Patricia out to lunch, order the lobster, then whisper over the petits fours: how about we call it quits? Or perhaps she might view me more favourably if instead of owing a three-figure sum, I owed eight figures.
The above both formed part of Richard Godwin’s Comment piece in The London Evening Standard on 21 December 2011.
December 16, 2011
Some fun tax and accountancy related tweets
Just written a cheque for my accountant, who has the longest address in Christendom. It’s a good job biro ink is tax-deductible.
@adateal
Smaller than expected tax return further crunched by larger than expected bill from accountant. Bugger.
@GunslingerElite
Somehow, even in my most successful days as a history student, i always knew the world force me into becoming an accountant #stupid economy
@mrstephencamp
The accountant’s #happydance.. finding an eligible $100 deduction. Ends when client gets mad for having to save more receipts
@iphoenixcpa
Every year it’s the same. I’m doing my tax return and I can’t find the stapler, staples or paper clips I need. I buy more. Next year; gone!
@wiggedy
Scary letter from the Inland Revenue I delayed opening, turned out to be a £50 tax rebate. Lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
@shanegriffiths
Client:Didn’t think anyone would know. Me:U mean tax fraud? Being wrong year after year is bad pattern. Client:Could I go to jail? Me:Pack.
@ForensicCPA
This card from inland revenue isn’t very jolly… or christmassy… or cardy… its more like a bill really. Think I’ll stick it up anyway.
@MarkBrotherhood
December 2, 2011
Tax dispute of the week: Snakes in the office
What do you if you don’t want to pay your tax bill?
Protests against the Indian tax system turned venomous this week when an angry snake charmer dumped three bags of around 40 poisonous snakes at officials’ feet in his local tax office.
Whilst we might think is unusual the media reports of the story have such varying details that I’m wondering if it happened more than once.
Depending on which report you read there was one person or three. He/they dumped three bags in a tax office or a registry office in Basti or in Harraiya (both of which are in Northern India)
November 9, 2011
New form P45 published by the Indolent Revenue. Read it carefully.
Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website for The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.
November 4, 2011
Poem – Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice!
A while back I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.
I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member).
The following day I received an email from the same guy. He revealed that he too had an unusual hobby for an accountant:
The Third Person to Ask
(aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice)
Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat
I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT
The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know
But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to show
To cut a woman in two halves, the secret I find plain
I’m sure you’d much prefer to know how to offset a gain
The most secure of lock and chain I’ll escape in a trice
It really is much better to just give good tax advice
For whilst my skills at magic give me a qualification
They’re not what I’m best know for, throughout the English nation
And since tax is my living, I’m sure that you can see
Why my lectures do not highlight those three letters, MMC.
No – I can’t perform all those tricks but I’ll allow the poetic licence as I loved the idea and much appreciated the thought.
Written by (and posted with the permission of) accountant poet: Steve Brown
November 2, 2011
Another form from the Indolent Revenue: Transitional Irritation Allowance
Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.
October 28, 2011
What could the letters HMRC stand for?
In the UK we recognise ‘HMRC’ as standing for Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs – the body created by the merger of Inland Revenue and HM Customs and Excise in 2005.
What else might the letters represent? Officially the answers are:
- Health Management Research Center (University of Michigan)
- Human Mobility Research Centre (Queen’s University and Kingston General Hospital partnership; Ontario, Canada)
- Helicopter Multi-Role Computer
- Hierarchical Maximal Ratio Combining
- His Majesty’s Royal Communications (Jordan)
But let’s be more inventive:
- Help Me Recover Cash
- How Might Rhianna Cover-up?
- Hold My Rubber Chicken
I fear I could go on for a while but instead let me invite others to suggest their own. Give it a go. Could be fun.
October 26, 2011
Another form from the Indolent Revenue: Your money or your life
Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.
October 21, 2011
The odd names people put on tax forms….
From the Times Diary page on Tuesday 18th October.
Thanks to Andy Tall for bringing it to my attention.
